Conversation With My Husband

Me: I think I need a new hairdryer.
Husband: Why?
Me: I dropped it while it was still going this morning and now it smells funny.
Husband: How’d you drop it?
Me: Evan was crying so I dropped it and ran to him.
Husband: Well, why was Evan crying?
Me: He had a plastic hanger stuck in his mouth.
Husband: How did he get a plastic hanger in the first place?
Me: I gave it to him.
Husband: Why.
Me: I thought it would be fun to play with.
Husband: Well, that shows a whole lot of common sense.
Me: I’m limping because I took my father’s advice and used an x-acto knife on my ingrown toenail. My common sense sucks.

flickr photo

Free Mattress

Ever wonder what happens to those crappy pieces of furniture left on the side of the road with a “free” sign attached to them? Who actually takes those things? Well, look no further. It’s me. I’ve crossed over to the dark side. I took a mattress left on the side of the road.

In my defense, it should be made known that my parents have a ranch and they needed a mattress for the birthing shed. No. It’s not for the cows. I thought they were being sweet and offering a nice cushy place for the cattle to give birth, but it's actually for the ranch hands when they need to watch over a difficult birth. A used mattress is certainly better than the plywood they sleep on now, and you just don’t want to go spending a lot of money on a mattress that’s going to be surrounded by placenta, afterbirth and cow shit.

So free is a pretty good price.

I’ve shopped my fair share of garage sales and Goodwill’s, but I’ve never picked up a piece of furniture from the side of the road. If you do, in the future, decide to, it’s best to be prepared. Me? I wasn't.

A couple of things you will need: Rope. Didn’t have it.
A car that fits your new acquisition. Didn’t have that either.
Gloves. Nope.
Someone who can lift it. Kind of...

So, needless to say, if this family happened to have gotten rid of their television along with their mattresses, I provided plenty of nighttime entertainment. If you ever want a good UTube video, place a heavy piece of furniture outside your house with a sign that says free and see what happens. I drove away slightly bruised, with a mattress bungee-corded to the top of my car. And I went home and washed. Immediately.

The mattress didn’t smell dirty. It didn’t feel dirty. It didn’t look dirty. But I got to thinking, what exactly has to happen to a perfectly good mattress for someone to just give it away? And not just give it away, leave it in front of their house with a sign that says “Free”? Especially when it’s piled with a bunch of other mattresses? Why not sell them for a couple dollars? Or donate them? And most importantly, what could cause someone to rid their house of every mattress in it?

Lice is the first thing that comes to mind. Scabies. Bed bugs. I suppose they could have won a drawing for 5 free mattresses. Flesh eating virus. Loss of bladder control in all 5 family members. Or maybe they’re moving and the mattresses are the ONLY things they’re not taking with them. Bird flu. Normal flu. West Nile Virus. Is there any religion they could have converted to that requires penance by sleeping on the floor? Lost a bet. Won a bet. Cat had kittens. Someone was smoking meth in the bedrooms? Or cooking meth. Why the hell do you get rid of 5 mattresses at once?

The Beauty of Polygamy

So, I was watching Oprah the other day and she was talking to these polygamists about why they would be in a marriage where they have to share their husband. Oprah's not married, Oprah doesn't have kids, and Oprah doesn't run her own errands, cook her own food, or clean any of her many houses, so I can understand why she might not get it.

But are you kidding me?

Think about how great that would be. All the pressure to have sex dissapears with an, "I'm not in the mood Honey, go talk to wife #2."

All that, "Hi Honey, I'm home, I want your undivided attention." Gone!

All the cooking, cleaning, and errands are divided by three.

The relationship maitainance would be cut to 1/3 of what it is now.

There's no worry about whether or not your husbands having an affair. He is.

And you can't tell me a little jelousy and compatition isn't good for the marriage. I mean, are you really going to let yourself go when you know there's two other women to compete with?

And what guy's going to complain? He's having sex with 3 women and he doesn't have to sneak around about it. Everyone wins!